Valentine's may be over but love is most certainly still in the air! I want to share this love letter of sorts with you guys that I wrote for my husband. It's a letter I think many husbands of wives who struggle with depression could read. This is sharing a lot about myself that so many people don't know. So here it is. Real. Raw. Marriage. A letter to a husband of a depressed wife.
First and foremost, you are so stinking amazing that there aren't even words for how amazing you are. I am so thankful for you and I love you so much.
I want to take some time to specifically thank you for being an awesome husband to me even in my struggles. Which have now become your struggles in a way too. (Sorry. What's mine is your and what's yours is mine, right?) In fact it might be even harder for you. Because your wife struggles with depression. And has for years. I've spent years learning how to manage and get by and get through on the tough days and how to help keep the rough days at bay so I can have more good days than bad. You're still learning a lot. You've only recently moved into this life with occasional unnecessary and uninvited clouds in what's generally a sunny home. You have only recently been able to be labeled "husband of a depressed wife" while I have lived with the labeled of depression for years. I am so thankful for your patience and willingness to learn. I am sorry when I am not so patent when you don't understand things. It's hard for me to remember that you haven't lived like this before.
I am sorry for the days where you probably feel like you're walking on egg shells because you don't know what might make me shut down. I am sorry for the times I cry and can't tell you why. Sometimes it's because I really can't pinpoint a reason. Other times it's because I don't think I could bare to hear the words in my head actually come out of my mouth. I am sorry for the weird things I do to feel like I have a grasp on life. Weather it's the odd little things like deciding I'm only going to eat mashed potatoes for a meal or when I intentionally keep myself awake and busy at night so dreams don't come. I'm sorry I am constantly taking on new projects faster than you can even learn about the last one. I have to stay busy to keep my mind on track. Idle hands are the devils workshop, after all. I think depression subs in for the devil on some days. hehe! I'm sorry that sometimes I can't answer your questions. I'm sorry that sometimes I lay in bed for as long as I can before starting my day and take time away that we could be spending doing stuff together. I'm sorry there are bad days.
But please know, I am so thankful for you on those bad days! When you still hold my hand or hug me when I've completely shut down or I've started crying. When you just sit by me while I'm trying desperately to process what's going on and why I suddenly feel that way. When you accept that I can't always answer your questions. When don't act annoyed that sometimes I explain things to you over text or email about tough stuff because that's easier than talking, even though we're in the same room and we both know it's ridiculously immature of me. Thank you for not defining me by my struggle but instead seeing me as a whole. Thank you for being there. Thank you for never calling me your "depressed wife."
Thank you for being the awesome man that you are and not just assuming you understand but genuinely trying to understand and help. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for your willingness to learn. Thank you for being you! And thank you for loving me just as much on all the good days!